ISIS fighters calling in sick

"My tummy hurts." "I don't feel good." "The dog ate my ammunition." "Can I stay home?"

They claim to have headaches, general feelings of sickness and bad backs, as the ranks of the Islamic State mujahedeen call out sick from the fight to save their quest to save their caliphate.

According to a report, foreign jihadists in particular seem to be 'wussing out' in the face of an offensive led by Iraqi national military, international and Kurdish forces. Recently, documents have been uncovered in Mosul, depicting the lengths the snowflake jihadists go to get out of combat, just in case this 72 virgin thing is a farce.

The Washington Post reported that when Iraqi forces captured an ISIS base in Mosul they discovered a document moaning about 14 "problem" jihadists from Tariq Bin Ziyad battalion. The possibility exists that some of these militarily impotent ISIS members may make their way back to Europe.

One of the documents read: "He doesn't want to fight, wants to return to France. Claims his will is martyrdom in France. Claims sick but doesn't have a medical report."

His tummy hurt from lack of guts.

One scumcrumpet from Kosovo said he couldn't fight because he had a headache. Another from Belgium had a doctor's note saying he had back pain.

The reports include information about where the jihadist is from, how many wives he has, and the number of "slave girls" he owns. Iraqi officers believe the documents are legitimate.

President Trump referred to ISIS fighters as "sneaky, dirty rats," sounding like a young James Cagney. 

Former State Department spokesperson Marie Harf countered President Trump saying "We wouldn't have this problem with ISIS if we just got them decent jobs and opportunities for spiritual growth."

Okay, she didn't really say that, but she once upon a time said something equally as stupid.

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