Poisoned by Pakistan or was it Chipotle?

In an incredibly amazing report by former and current U.S. officials, it was revealed how Pakistan's top spy agency may have secretly poisoned a CIA chief in the weeks after the U.S. raid that killed Osama bin Laden in 2011.

The retired chief in question is the world unknown Mark Kelton. The CIA chief spy came down with an amazing and mysterious illness which left him in unbelievable pain. Pain so bad, you wouldn't believe it. Yes, it was horrible pain.

Those officials claimed Pakistan's Inter-Services Intelligence agency, or ISI (aka "I see you, you don't see me") held grudges against diplomats with their fancy cars, journalists who thought they were special, and others who the Pakistan government considered opponents.

The head of ISIS, a Muslim named Ahmed Shuja Pasha, called Kelton "the cadaver" instead of using his real name. That isn't nice, folks. 

After several months passed since Bin Laden been killed, Kelton left the lovely country of Pakistan and regained his strength after doctors performed abdominal surgery. I don't know what they found when they opened him up, but I can tell you folks, it wasn't pretty.

Kelton said he wasn't the first person to suspect he'd been poisoned--there are no Chipotles in Pakistan. He said "I'd rather let that whole sad episode lie."

Spokesman for the Pakistan Embassy, Nadeem Hotiana (whose last name sounds like it belongs to a porn queen) said the claims were "fictional" not unlike Obama's claims about Obamacare. 

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