Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Reading Obama's secret thoughts at his lecture to America

Thankfully, this is president Obama's last year in office. Let's hear what he has to dictate.
Biden realizes his fly is open

He returned from his taxpayer-funded Hawaiian vacation ($70 million in vacation spending thus far into his reign) to talk about the one thing that can bring tears to his eyes: gun control. 

As a world-renown mind-reader, I have the to go beyond his public words and tell you what was going on in his secret skull. Thus, I have taken the most relevant parts of his East Room chest-bumping speech and have added what he was thinking. Those private thoughts have been placed in parentheses and  italics for your convenience. 

I have left much of the speech out because the pharmacies are open today and you can get your own emetic without having to use this as one.

MR. OBAMA: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you everybody. Please have a seat (especially you, you fat old lady.) Thank you so much. (CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP)

Mark, I want to thank you for your introduction. I still remember the first time we met, the time we spent together. (I whispered to you 'a penny for your thoughts' and you just pretended not to hear me) and the conversation we had about Daniel.  (He so reminds me of that old Elton John song.) And that changed me that day. And my hope, earnestly, has been that it would change the country (into the United Socialist States of America).

Five years ago this week, a sitting member of Congress and 18 others were shot at, at a supermarket in Tucson, Arizona. It wasn't the first time I had to talk to the nation in response to a mass shooting (because I'm so damn awesome) nor would it be the last. Fort Hood (work place violence--they fell for it, hahahaha) Aurora, Oak Creek, Newtown, the Navy Yard, Santa Barbara, Charleston, San Bernadino. Too many.

OBAMABOT 1: Too many
OBAMABOT 2: Too many
OBAMABOT 3: Too many

MR. OBAMA: Thanks to a great medical team and the love of her husband, Mark, my dear friend and colleague, Gabby Giffords, survived. She's here with us today, with her wonderful mom. (CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP) Thanks to a great medical team, her wonderful husband, Mark--who, by the way, the last time I met with Mark--this is just a small aside (where the hell is that Tele Promp Ter?) you may know Mark's twin brother is in outer space. (HA HA HA HA)

I was there with Gabby when she was still in the hospital, and we didn't think necessarily at that point that she was going to survive. And that visit right before a memorial--about an hour later Gabby first opened her eyes. And I remember talking to mom about that. But I know the pain that she and her family have endured these past five years, and the rehabilitation and the work and the effort to recover from shattering injuries (that aren't covered under Obamacare today, but thankfully, she had better coverage by the government). 

And then I think of all the Americans who aren't as fortunate. Every single year, more than 30,000 Americans have their lives cut short by guns (mostly in gun-free zones, but I'll never tell)--30,000. Suicides. Domestic violence. Gang shootouts. Accidents. Hundreds of thousands of Americans have lost brothers and sisters, or buried their own children. (At least my kids are protected from gun violence by my Secret Service.) Many have had to learn to live with a disability, or learned to live without the love of their life.

OBAMABOTS ALL: Sniff, Sniff, head shaking yes, yes, yes.

MR. OBAMA: A number of those people are here today. They can tell you some stories (spin you some yarns, and blame it on the weapons).

The United States of America is not the only country on Earth with violent or dangerous people. (Hell, my people are the most dangerous people.)  We are not inherently more prone to violence. (Heh, heh. Take Iran, Syria, Iraq, Yemen, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, and Egypt for example.) But we are the only advanced country on Earth that sees this kind of mass violence erupt this this kind of frequency. (That was so smart of Valerie to have me add the word 'advanced.' I should've done it in my first speech.) It doesn't happen in other advanced countries (if you don't count Norway, France, England and Sweden). It's not even close (gee, I hope they didn't hear that as 'snot.') And as I've said before, somehow we've become numb to it and we start thinking that this is normal.

NO MORE--I SHALL END HERE. YOU'RE WELCOME!

There was a moment in the lecture when Obama shed a tear on cue. It was probably the most disgusting political moment of the entire presentation. It takes gun control to get this charlatan president to become emotional. Not the Paris shootings. Not San Bernadino.

No, those events only opened the floor to more talk on gun control, not on the prevention of terrorist acts. That is the go-to position liberals take the moment Islamic terrorists kill civilians. It not a gun control issue we are really dealing with in the big picture. It's radical Muslim terrorist control. 




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