Obama's Farewell Address: Full Text

My fellow folks; we have reached the end of a long road and what did we find--a can. We found the proverbial can that the GOP has been kicking down the road since the day, many years ago, that I started out as what was once called, your President and Commander in Chief. But that's the past; the GOP is gone--gone the way of capitalism and all its symbols . Gone are the banks and the bloated corporations with their millionaires and billionaires with their corporate jets and mansions, their maids and their butlers. We have replaced this lunacy with your loving government.


But we must leave the past behind, as is our wont to do with pasts, and move forward toward a bright future, powered by green, solar energy. Please remain patient with those companies; they are doing the best they can with what they inherited from the Bush era.

When I first became President and Commander in Chief of the United States of America, I swore that I'd change the face of the country. Not only have I done that single-handedly, I went so far as to change the name to something more palatable: The Obama Nation. In addition, I got rid of that hideous flag whose red stripes really represented the blood we spilled of people from other nations, mostly Islamic. Whose stars only represented different things called 'states,' which only created more divisiveness. 

We replaced that flag with a red, green, and black flag, with a fist representing solidarity and strength of conviction, and triumph over false pride. We have learned in this process that no one nation is more exceptional than any other because all men are created equal, Israel excepted. 

As I prepare to leave office, I proudly reflect on my greatest achievements as Absolute Authority on Life of The Obama Nation. First, by my extending our debt to China, it has become clear to them that we shall never be able to pay it back, and in the process of incurring the debt, we have effectively crippled their economy and will eventually bring China to its knees.

Second, with the help of my beloved, late wife, Michelle, people will no longer clog their arteries with red meat, snacks, ice cream, or Big Gulps. And smoking is no longer permitted in public places, which, by definition, refers to everywhere except the Mansion, formerly called the White House. Anyone caught smoking or eating banned substance will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of my law.

Third, all restrictions formerly imposed on drug usage will summarily be lifted as of now. I cannot in good conscience forbid something I personally enjoy. Drugs will now be sold at all of our Government Life Supply Markets across the land. That's just the way I roll, people. Smoke 'em or inject 'em, if you have 'em.

Fourth, our relationship with the Islamic World Caliphate is no longer oppositional but one of support and love. It is a partnership that  will continue when I'm gone and my daughters, Sasha and Malia continue my legacy as Absolute Authorities on Life. For those women who prefer hijabs over complete burqas, both will be available at the Government Life Supply Markets throughout The Obama Nation. 

And finally, as of 2:00 AM this morning, I am delighted to announce the Obamacare website is up and running to almost full capacity. Those unfortunate few millions who have been targets of identity theft will now be eligible for full Obama Nation subsidies or "nanny chips." It's all good.

So on that note, I say goodbye, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu. There are places for me to see and golf courses yet to be played.

(Wave, smile graciously. Goodbye suckers.) 

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