Rodeo Clown Sensitivity Training

"Good morning, all you happy-faced rodeo clowns. I want to welcome you to Rodeo Clown Sensitivity Training brought to you by the Democratic National Coalition for the Prevention of Racist Demonstrations that Hurt the Feelings of Politicians of Color and/or Liberal Sensitivities. This training session is brought to you by the makers of Tight Buns Yoga Mats, Slate Magazine, MSNBC, and CAIR "because they do." 



"My name is Muhammad Hasan Nasrallah Jones and I would like to introduce you to our instructor, the world renown Mister Chris Matthews.  So let's give him a hearty horn-honking welcome. Come on up here, Chris."

"Thank you, Muhammad. Hi folks. Thanks for the honks.

"You clowns probably know why we're having this training but for those who've been more concerned with throwing the bull (waits for laugh, gets none), I'll tell you. Because of the recent horror that occurred at the Missouri State Fair where a rodeo clown, just like you folks, wore a President Obama mask, had a broom propped up his butt, and asked the crowd if they wanted the bull to charge the President Obama." (Bows when he says the name.)

"Now wearing a President Obama mask is bad enough, but to do it as a clown is despicable, no offense. This is the President of the United States and he must be treated with the same respect and dignity we've given all our Democratic presidents. So, the first thing to remember is, if you're going to do political parody at a fleabag rodeo like the Missouri State Fair, do not do it about a Democrat, especially Barack Obama." (Bows.) The only good thing about Missouri was Harry and Margaret Truman--the rest of the state, for the most part, is filled with white racist conservatives except for those liberals who aren't.


"Second, there are two groups of people whose sensitivities have been taken to task by us Americans and that's the black man and the Muslim. Ever since 911, we have become suspicious of Muslims in our communities, especially after someone in their family decides to follow their bluebird and turn to jihad for comfort. As for the downtrodden black man, we will never pay him back for all the unfair sorrow we have given him and the abuse we bestowed upon him. So the second rule is: assume that black people are Democrats and treat them that way. If they're conservatives, which is the worst thing a black person can be, do not discuss Barack Obama's policies with them--they will only give you an ignorant response, like all black conservatives. In fact, blacks have no right being conservatives--they're lucky we even gave them the right to vote.

"Rule number 3: if you see a black woman at the rodeo, do not call her 'M'am' or 'Madame.' They will think in the first instance that you're being condescending and in the second that yo're implying she works in a house of ill repute. Do not speak to her if you don't know her name, but if you have to guess, it's like to be one of those made-up African names.

"Are there any questions so far?"

"Yes, Mr. Matthews. When you say 'we've given them, meaning the blacks, the right to vote, don't you mean the Republicans when you refer to 'we'? After all, it was the GOP that passed the Voters Rights Bill."

"What are you besides a goddamn clown, a racist? Get out of my face.

"Next question."

Nobody honked. 

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